Toddler Talk

There is something pure about my child’s thoughts and his not-yet-learned shame.  I love my child’s innocence when it comes to not understanding that some things are not appropriate (or nice) to say even if you may think them.  Within the last 24 hours Chase has said two things that I wish I could say without feeling guilty or awkward.

Last night, while playing Chase farted and instead of saying, “Excuse me” (which would have been the socially appropriate response), he announced with a grin, “I just pooped a little,” and continued on playing as if this isn't out of the ordinary.  (That’s right, my sweet child “sharted” himself and then bragged about it.) If only I could shart myself throughout the day and continue on as if nothing happened.   

Shortly after the sharting incident, while driving home, I had to slam on the breaks to avoid hitting a deer that naturally stood still in the middle of the road staring at me as if I was in the way.  (I finally understand the phrase, “like a deer in the headlines.”) It took everything in me to refrain from using foul language in front of my little passenger as my brakes squeaked in the background. (Apparently, it's not socially appropriate to use the F-word in front of a toddler.  And no, I'm not one of those clueless parents that had to learn that from a parenting book.  I'm not that dedicated to reading a whole book. I read it in a magazine.  Ya know, not one that I actually paid for, I scanned an article while waiting in line at the grocery store to purchase my Little Debbie snacks and a case of Mountain Dew.)  After our vehicle came to a halt and I composed myself, Chase said, “Oh, Mama, I want to shoot that deer.”  Touché, child, touché. I don’t think PETA would appreciate me saying I wanted to murder (well, rather slaughter at that point) a deer, but it’s pretty honest coming out of the mouth of a 2 year old who is wearing camouflage pajamas.

I have decided that my child will do all of my speaking for me from here on out.  I mean, what could go wrong? 

"Mommy, smell my skanky (aka stinky) butt on the counter"- Chase
He is charming, simply charming.  
Most parents like to post cute pictures of their children playing in the backyard or petting a puppy. Sadly, (for Chase) I'm not that parent.  Hey, not every picture you take of your child is pretty, or should even be seen by the general public.  But honestly how many pictures can you look at of children petting puppies?  Personally, I would rather look at awkward everyday pictures... On that note, I apologize in advance "teenage Chase".   

Doing Damage

If you are anything like me, you look at the other adults around you and ponder what the heck their parents did to them during their childhood to make them the oddly, strange person that they are today.  

I’m completely aware of this and I am mature enough to admit that I am not innocent.  I refuse to look the other way about this issue.  Instead, I am going to embrace the damage I am doing to my child with open arms (and start a savings account for his future therapy.  Can anyone give me a good referral to a pediatric therapist?). Below are a couple of things I realized I am currently doing that will most likely scar my child as an adult.

-Chase and I came up with our own version of a song, it goes a little like this, “Chasey, Pasey, pumpkin pie… kissed the girls and made them cry.”  After many, many months of Chase and I singing this as a duet, I am starting to think that it may not be normal for a boy to learn that girls should cry after he kisses them.  I don’t see a healthy relationship in his future. (Oops! My bad!)

-Ever since Chase has been a baby, I have called him a “squish butt.”  I can’t remember exactly where this came from but I think this stemmed from me pinching his diaper to feel if his diaper was wet and squishy.  In a effort to make me pinching his diaper not seem creepy, I just said “squish butt” whenever I did it (Come to think of it, adding a “squish butt” to this ritual does indeed, make it creepy).  As a result of this, Chase now pinches his own butt and tells everyone (including the neighbors) that he has a “squish butt” while either pinching or spanking himself (I don’t know why he sometimes spanks himself, but it’s starting to worry me).

When you see my child in 20 years, please give him a break. After all, I did play a hand in raising him. 

I do try to reverse the damage by reading to him. 

Embarrassed Parent Syndrome

Every Tuesday, Chase and I have made a habit of cheering Cory on at his softball league.  You know, it’s one of those “old man” leagues where almost everyone is out of shape, except for that one token guy who is still trying to live out his high school fantasy of being the star player.  

Chase’s weekly ritual is to pick out a tub of cotton candy from the concession stands.  Every week he pulls out his quarters from his pockets with his sticky, sweaty fingers (that usually have pocket lint stuck to them) and slides them across the metal counter to the concession worker.  Chase then hops down from the counter and makes his way over to Cory’s team.  He toddles up and down the bench asking every player one by one if they want a piece of his “special, special, treat”.  He does this endlessly until someone gives in and takes a handful.  Chase gets a big grin on his face and continues on to the next player.  

Well last night, all of the players were on the field, but one. This teammate was running late.  He came in five minutes after the game started with his tennis shoes and glove in hand. As the player scurried to put his softball shoes on, Chase skipped up to him, with his cotton candy in hand and asks him if he would like a bite of his cotton candy.  The player said, “No, I’m running late, I have to hurry and get on the field.”  Without missing a beat, Chase gets an annoyed look on his face and responds to him with a, “Suck it up, Sally.”  The player looked at me, as if to verify what Chase said- and being the proud mom that I am- I just shrugged my shoulders and put my head down, avoiding all eye contact.  

As a parent, you wait so long for your children to be able to talk, and once they do, you want them to be mute.  I think I am developing a mean case of “Embarrassed Parent Syndrome.”     

Shopping- Testosterone Style

I have realized that I cannot work late anymore, reason being:

Cory picked Chase up from daycare yesterday, which is a little out of the ordinary since my daycare is very close to my work so it only makes sense for me to do the drop-offs and pick-ups every day.  But yesterday I had to work late.  I get home and Cory tells me that he had the best time with Chase, and this is why:

Cory thought it would be a splendid idea (no, Cory doesn't actually use the word splendid- but I do, so it’s staying in the story) to take Chase on a shopping outing, testosterone style.  So where did they end up?  (Drum-roll please) That’s right; you guessed it, a gun store. 

Cory apparently doesn't see anything wrong with taking a 2 year old into a store filled with guns and ammunition.  (I could see this ending badly, one of two ways: 1. Chase gets upset that the store doesn't sell Dora fruit snacks and shoots up the place OR 2. The middle-aged store worker, who lives in his mother’s basement, sleeps on her futon and reeks of a mixture of meatloaf and baby powder, finally cracks after hearing a two year old (who may or may not be my child- but let’s face it, I don’t think there would be any other two year olds in the gun store) wailing for an hour because the gun store doesn't sell Dora fruit snacks, and shoots up the place, while demanding respect from the other shoppers as well as himself.)

Anyway, Cory didn't see an issue with Chase going into the gun store, and since he was the parent in charge, off they trotted.  As you can probably imagine dusty animal heads lined the walls of the gun store (okay I can’t actually verify that the heads were dusty, but I can’t imagine a store full of men, standing on a ladder with a Swiffer Duster, dusting).  As Chase was examining a deer head, the store manager approached Chase and asked him what a deer says.  Without a thought, Chase turned to him and responded with a loud “Boom,” which just so happens to be the sound of a deer being shot.

The store manager looked at Cory, scruffy beard and all, and said, “That’s awesome!”  I guess Chase just went back to admiring the deer head, as if he actually thought deer say, “Boom.”   

I guess that’s what I get for working late. Lesson learned. 

Stinky?

I love the things that come out of the mouths of children.  I love them even more if they don’t mean to say the things that come out of their mouths. 

For example: I find it hilarious that my child mispronounces the word “stinky.”

Chase once informed a stranger at the mall that he has a “skanky butt.”  I didn’t feel the need to correct my child or inform the stranger of what my child actually meant (he had a poopy diaper). I just walked away chuckling to myself as the stranger just stood there- dumbfounded. (He was probably wondering if my two year old did, infact, know the word “skanky” and use it appropriately in a sentence.)   

I suppose I could do my motherly duty and correct my child every time he says skanky instead of stinky so he won’t get teased on the playground once he starts school, but I think I will just wait this one out and let nature run its course, while I sit back and laugh every time my talking toddler mispronounces the word (Isn’t that one of the rewards of parenting anyway?). 

Things I Have Learned About Myself After Becoming A Mom

After becoming a mom there are some things I have learned about myself:

1. I actually do not need to eat a whole meal without a little, sticky finger digging around in it. Who would have thought? (Answer: The MN Department of Health)

2. I enjoy playing Legos, even after my child is sleeping.  I also, secretly get upset when Chase kicks down my Lego castle (after all, I do spend a significant amount of time and energy building them, only to have it end up underneath the foot of a toddler, in shambles).  

3. I have an unending need to win an argument, even with a toddler.  Apparently, it does matter to me that my child knows Elmo is red- not pink- like he used to debate.

4. I am really good at convincing a 2 year old that he actually wants a Snickers (or 2 for that matter) at the concession stands at my husband’s softball games, instead of the disgusting sticky, overpriced cotton candy that he originally thought he wanted.  Then I convince him that he isn’t hungry enough to eat all of the Snickers, so Mommy will take one for the team and help him eat it (Some would say I’m kind of like a modern-day hero).  

5. I AM one of those crazy “Momma Bear” moms (that I swore I wouldn’t be) that gets unnecessarily protective over my cub.  Last week I found myself telling a little girl that she was naughty and needed a nap because she wasn’t being nice to my child at the park. (I don’t regret my choice to momentarily discipline someone else’s child.  My child was in jeopardy of getting his feelings hurt, what else could I do?  You can see the bind I was in.)

So there you have it, five things I have learned about myself after becoming a Mother.  Hey- I didn't say that I was proud of the things I have learned.

Chatty Chase

It always amazes me the things that come out of my child’s mouth.  Chase has always been a “Chatty Chase” from the second he was born.  He started talking way before he turned one and has never stopped.  One thing (although there are many) that I love about my child is his thoughtfulness and kind words. I know what you’re thinking- this coming from my child’s whose favorite word is “poopy”- but I swear he says sweet things in between his conversations about farting and trying to convince me to eat his boogers (which has only happened once, okay maybe twice)…  

Tonight we went out to dinner to our usual Chinese restaurant.  While we were eating, the server was busing the table next to us.  All of a sudden Chase notices the man and flails his body almost over our side of the booth and observes what the server is doing.  After a few seconds of inspecting his work, Chase looks at the server solemnly and says, “You’re doing a really great job.” The server didn't respond for a minute as if he didn't know what to do with a compliment. After the silence, he said thank you and went about his business.  Chase then turned around silently and continued chomping on his fried rice.

After witnessing this, I have come to 2 conclusions:

1. I am impressed with the sincere compliment that my child was thinking and gave, as it is often difficult for people (even adults) to acknowledge others for their hard work.

 2. Most parents worry that their children will have lifelong careers in the food service industry (such as flipping burgers at McDonald's) but I don’t have to worry about that because my child is demonstrating great supervisory skills.  He will be the Manager at McDonald's and will be telling the burger-flippers that they are “doing a really great job.” Looks like we dodged that bullet. 

A Simple Trip to the Grocery Store

As many of you know, a simple trip to the grocery store can become an adventure.  Below is my latest grocery shopping experience with my little man....

We pull up to the grocery store as usual and last minute as I was getting Chase out of his car seat he snatched up his baby doll like Swiper on Dora the Explore.  Apparently, Chase decided that his grocery shopping experience would be much more complete if his baby doll could accompany us into the store, which I didn’t see an issue with, so Chase and I marched into the store, with his baby doll in tow. Chase played well with his baby doll while we went through each aisle.  He rocked, fed and burped his baby.  His baby doll even got to try some grapes (I swear it's not stealing if a human doesn't actually consume the merchandise).

All seemed normal until we reached the checkout lane. As we were standing in the checkout line Chase starts squeezing his baby’s stomach so tightly that his knuckles were turning white.  He was panting as if he had just completed a marathon and needed a puff off my inhaler. This continued for about 30 seconds (which seemed like a very long, embarrassing 30 seconds). When he was finished with this bazaar action, he looks at me, shrugged his tiny shoulders and simply said, “Mommy, I squeezed my baby,” as if that was a normal behavior.  I was caught off-guard so all I could manage to say was, “Well, that was strange.”  The middle-aged gentleman standing patiently behind us in line looked down at Chase and then looked up at me and said, “Yes, that was strange,” and scurried to the next checkout aisle.

We almost made it out of the grocery store without a story- better luck next time.  

3 Hour Tour

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip, that started from a bar in Minneapolis aboard a pedal pub.  The peddlers were mighty pedaling men, the passengers brave and sure, 16 passengers set sail that day, for a three hour tour… a three hour tour.

In an attempt to keep anonymity I have changed the names in the story…

So my family thought it would be a good idea to go on a 3 hour pedal pub (three hours many seem like a short amount of time- but with my family 3 hours can be a lifetime) in downtown Minneapolis.

We all boarded the pedal pub (a bar on wheels that you need to move by pedaling like a bike) and quickly started pedaling (or as quickly as 16 drunks can pedal).  All was smooth sailing until we reached the first bar (10 minutes into the trip).  One of us- we’ll call him “Newbie”- got kicked out of the bar for potentially having the ability to urinate on the bar’s staircase.  So we gathered our group and marched out the door- with our pride intact (don’t worry- this pride won’t last long)- and pedaled along the way. 

Side note: Some of us thought it would be a splendid idea to bring liquid apple pie to drink while we were peddling, and some of us, apparently, couldn’t handle our liquid apple pie.   

An hour and a half into the tour is when it all went downhill (we weren’t physically going downhill; I swear we only pedaled uphill for the entire trip).  As we were pedaling our hearts out through an intersection I look down to find one of our passengers, Newbie, barrel rolling under the seats heading directing into the middle of the intersection.  We yell to Roxy (our tour guide- her actual name is Rocky- but apparently to 16 drunks, Roxy seems like a more appropriate Captain’s name) to put on her breaks and Roxy yelled back to us, “Just because someone falls off in an intersection doesn’t mean I can stop in the middle of an intersection.”  So pedaling we continued.  Newbie jumped on the back of the pub as we were still in motion with a grin on his face and a bad case of the giggles.  Don’t worry, Newbie didn’t obtain any injuries (well at least not at this point). 

As the story goes, we stopped at a cigar bar so Cory could purchase a cigar (his attempt to be a badass).  While we were parked, Newbie jumped off and high-tailed it out of sight.  I guess he thought he was going to find his way home.  Many of us went looking for him while many of us kept drinking.  During this unscheduled stop, another passenger (we’ll call him Faul) seemed to be a little “off his rocker (literally).”  As everyone was chatting amongst ourselves, we hear a loud crash.  Faul fell headfirst off of his seat, smashing his glasses and bruising his face in the process.  While trying to make his fall discreet, Faul gets up and walks directly into oncoming traffic (smooth, huh?)

At this point Roxy gets up, fully equipped with the voice of a lifelong smoker and a size 90D chest, and yells for everyone to get the “F” off the pedal pub.  (I don’t know why she used such foul language, it’s not like we were rowdy or causing a public disturbance, right?)

Oh, the story doesn’t stop here.  As it turns out, Newbie can run like a freakin’ cheetah and can hurdle fences like a spider monkey.  Newbie ended up blacking out in mid-sprint and hit an imaginary brick wall.  He hit the ground with all of his weight and ended up breaking his face (well not literally his entire face, but a good portion of it. Newbie looked like he had just stepped out of a losing boxing match.)  Luckily, Newbie passed out just seconds away from a hospital.  A nurse walking by saw Newbie passed out in the alley and called an ambulance and off to the hospital he went. 

So there we were downtown Minneapolis, pedal pub-less and the sound of an ambulance ringing in the background, all at 7pm.

Side note: Newbie ended up obtaining 10 stitches and one great story to share at work on Monday.

That’s right everyone, my family members were the first ones in the history of the company to fall off the pedal pub (and mind you we had two people tumble off- one while we were sitting stationary) and the first ones to ever get kicked off the pedal pub and we were only half way through our trip. 

So there’s the story of our 1.5 hour tour, that’s right folks….our 1.5 hour tour.

5 Things In My House That Have Transformed

As I look around my house I am beginning to see that many of the items in my house are dual-purposed.   Not by my choice, but by Chase's choice.

Below are 5 things in my house that have transformed since my tornado of a tot got a hold of them…

 

1.       My gorgeous cutting board we received from our wedding is now an overly decorated play dough table. (It can surprisingly withstand the weight of a toddler and being chucked across the living room, one handed.)

2.       My bathtub has been transformed from a peaceful oasis to “Never-never land” where Jake and his pirate crew go deep sea diving and fight off Captain Hook to find gold doublooms (or as my nephew would say- golden balloons).

3.       My bed has become a ship on the high sea that sails away from the “naughty” sharks that try to gulp us down for dinner. Chase believes the shark deserves a timeout in the timeout chair.

4.       My once Clorox clean countertops were strictly used for preparing dinner (or the spot where dinner should be prepared- everyone knows I couldn’t cook to save my life- or anyone else’s life for that matter).  My countertops are now landing strips for airplanes and the holder of all foods “disgusting.”

5.       My couch used to simply be used for sitting and relaxing.  It has now become a balance beam for my tippy toddler and a stepping stone for everything that was once unreachable. 

Man- my house used to be boring.   

Livin' the Life- Toddler Style

These are just a few of the many reasons why I think being a toddler is way better than being an adult:

*I would always have someone around to chop up my hotdogs and grapes into tiny bite sized pieces to avoid choking.  There would be no more shaky knees anytime I eat in solitude. I also wouldn’t have the daunting task of chewing each bite 60 times before swallowing (chewing really gets in the way of my daily activities).

*I wouldn’t have to brush my own teeth ever again- if I didn’t want too.  I could even chuck my SpongeBob toothbrush at my mommy if I thought my teeth brushing experience wasn’t quite up to par.

*I would never have to take a bubble-less bath again- Oh the horror!

*I wouldn’t have to pick out my own clothes every morning.  Someone would magically fly into my room in the middle of the night while I’m tucked away in my crib and pick out the perfect outfit for tomorrow’s activities.  I could also use my assigned belt as a weapon in the morning if I am displeased with the clothes fairy’s choice of socks (hey- someone has to pay for not matching my belt to my socks).

*I could throw my body down on the cold tile at any local department store, all while kicking and screaming at the top of my lungs, and others would chalk it up to simply missing my “afternoon nap.”

I can’t think of one negative to being a toddler- well, besides soiling myself and the constant aroma of day-old poop lingering around you like the token drunken girl at a party (but I have perfume to mask the smell- so we’re good).

Life is SWEET!

 

Boys love their Mamas…

I’ve always heard that boys love their mamas and become protective over them.  Since I came from a house of no brothers (which I’m not complaining about), I have never gotten to see that bond firsthand. As my son grows into a little person full of spunky personality, I have been starting to see the protectiveness that I’ve always heard about and I’m starting to love it.

The other day my little Chasey and I were walking out of the store when he spotted a car headed in our direction.  The car was quite a distance away, but apparently Chase was worried about my personal safety.  He threw his little arm out in front of me as a shield and yelled, “Mommy, watch out for the car!” I stopped in my tracks and swooped up my baby in my arms and thanked him for his heroicness.  He then leaned close to my ear and whispered, “Car almost get you…scary.”   

Right before Chase's first haircut.

 



Boys love their daddy's too!

Yes- My child knows how to scratch a lottery ticket.

No- that doesn't make me a bad parent... does it?  :)

Chapters

Looking at the shelves of stores you will find hundreds upon hundreds of parenting books.  While I have read a majority of them, I feel there are some chapters that have been left out. I believe some topics are left out on purpose- frankly because they would scare you away from parenting.  I strongly feel it is my duty to inform parents/future parents about the topics that have been left out.

If I wrote a parenting book, I would add the following chapters:

 

Chapter 1: How to make a quick getaway when your child calls a slightly, middle-aged woman at the mall “Honey-Boo-Boo.”

          Chapter 2: Too Much Junk:  When is it exploring and when is it creepy?

          Chapter 3: Appropriate names for genital areas- Winky-dink or Junk?

         Chapter 4: How to apologize to the Menards worker when your child calls him a “Poopy-butt.”

Chapter 5: How to smoothly switch the subject when your child announces to the shoe department at Target that you have passed gas.

My Sweet Chasey at the park- sporting a vest- like usual.

 

Toddlers are quick, but it is our job, as parents to be quicker (and wittier- if that is possible).

Top 5 Reasons Chase Screamed this Morning

Today I wanted to share with you a top 5 list (because frankly, who can resist a top 5 list?).  These are top 5 things that made my tiny two year old scream (out of disapproval and annoyance) today.  I hope you enjoy this more than I did living it this morning (all before 7am).

Top 5 reasons Chase screamed this morning:

5. The school bus we passed on the way to daycare was yellow, not red like he would have liked.

4. I put his shoes on- as he requested.

3. I took his shoes off- as he requested.

2. I annoyingly poured milk in his sippy cup when he specifically requested Mountain Dew.  He also wanted a Mickey Mouse cup, not a Toy Story cup (when will I get it right?- Wednesdays are always Mickey cup days.)

1. Chase hated his overalls I dressed him in (of course wearing overalls to daycare causes him to lose all of his street cred- I should have known.)

If only it was acceptable for an adult to scream anytime they didn’t approve of something. :)  

I remember the days when waking up before 7am was a sin, these days I have had 5 arguments by 7am (and I usually lose all 5).  But I would take 5 arguments with my toddler any day!