In an attempt to keep anonymity I have changed the names in
the story…
So my family thought it would be a good idea to go on a 3
hour pedal pub (three hours many seem like a short amount of time- but with my
family 3 hours can be a lifetime) in downtown Minneapolis.
We all boarded the pedal pub (a bar on wheels that you need
to move by pedaling like a bike) and quickly started pedaling (or as quickly as
16 drunks can pedal). All was smooth
sailing until we reached the first bar (10 minutes into the trip). One of us- we’ll call him “Newbie”- got
kicked out of the bar for potentially having the ability to urinate on the bar’s
staircase. So we gathered our group and
marched out the door- with our pride intact (don’t worry- this pride won’t last
long)- and pedaled along the way.
Side note: Some of us thought it would be a splendid idea to
bring liquid apple pie to drink while we were peddling, and some of us,
apparently, couldn’t handle our liquid apple pie.
An hour and a half into the tour is when it all went
downhill (we weren’t physically going downhill; I swear we only pedaled uphill
for the entire trip). As we were
pedaling our hearts out through an intersection I look down to find one of our passengers,
Newbie, barrel rolling under the seats heading directing into the middle of the
intersection. We yell to Roxy (our tour guide-
her actual name is Rocky- but apparently to 16 drunks, Roxy seems like a more appropriate
Captain’s name) to put on her breaks and Roxy yelled back to us, “Just because
someone falls off in an intersection doesn’t mean I can stop in the middle of
an intersection.” So pedaling we
continued. Newbie jumped on the back of
the pub as we were still in motion with a grin on his face and a bad case of
the giggles. Don’t worry, Newbie didn’t
obtain any injuries (well at least not at this point).
As the story goes, we stopped at a cigar bar so Cory could
purchase a cigar (his attempt to be a badass).
While we were parked, Newbie jumped off and high-tailed it out of sight.
I guess he thought he was going to find
his way home. Many of us went looking
for him while many of us kept drinking.
During this unscheduled stop, another passenger (we’ll call him Faul)
seemed to be a little “off his rocker (literally).” As everyone was chatting amongst ourselves,
we hear a loud crash. Faul fell
headfirst off of his seat, smashing his glasses and bruising his face in the
process. While trying to make his fall
discreet, Faul gets up and walks directly into oncoming traffic (smooth, huh?)
At this point Roxy gets up, fully equipped with the voice of
a lifelong smoker and a size 90D chest, and yells for everyone to get the “F”
off the pedal pub. (I don’t know why she
used such foul language, it’s not like we were rowdy or causing a public disturbance,
right?)
Oh, the story doesn’t stop here. As it turns out, Newbie can run like a
freakin’ cheetah and can hurdle fences like a spider monkey. Newbie ended up blacking out in mid-sprint
and hit an imaginary brick wall. He hit
the ground with all of his weight and ended up breaking his face (well not
literally his entire face, but a good portion of it. Newbie looked like he had
just stepped out of a losing boxing match.)
Luckily, Newbie passed out just seconds away from a hospital. A nurse walking by saw Newbie passed out in
the alley and called an ambulance and off to the hospital he went.
So there we were downtown Minneapolis, pedal pub-less and
the sound of an ambulance ringing in the background, all at 7pm.
Side note: Newbie ended up obtaining 10 stitches and one
great story to share at work on Monday.
That’s right everyone, my family members were the first ones
in the history of the company to fall off the pedal pub (and mind you we had
two people tumble off- one while we were sitting stationary) and the first ones
to ever get kicked off the pedal pub and we were only half way through our
trip.
So there’s the story of our 1.5 hour tour, that’s right folks….our
1.5 hour tour.
