Urine Soaked Bed and Breastfeeding on the Toilet

We all know that parenting isn't always what it looks like on television. Well actually, it isn't like TV at all.  Family dinners aren't relaxed.  Parents don’t actually sip wine while their little tykes use their utensils to eat their five course meals.  We all know the reality is that we all sit down with a bowl of Spaghetti O’s and a can of Mountain Dew and claim dinner a victory if our little ones only leaves the table four times to have meltdowns on the floor because he wanted a fork, not a spoon or his milk spilt too closely to his bowl or because it’s Monday.  TV never shows these things.  But lucky for me, I'm all about the imperfections of parenting, because frankly, it's those moments that keep me afloat. So I have (bravely) decided to share a couple of my parenting lows.  (Please say these have happened to other people and I'm not the only one.  Although looking back, I may be standing alone.) 

Parenting Low: One morning my child peed my bed at 5 am.  So, I did the only logical thing I could think of doing at that ungodly hour of the morning; I laid a towel over it and slept for another 45 minutes until I had to get up for work.  You think laying in bed with a toddler who’s wearing only his skivvies, laying on top of a bath town to prevent urine from soaking into my skin so, fingers crossed, I didn't have to shower would be an all-time parenting low for me, but no.  My lowest, low came just a few short weeks after my little ball of sunshine was born.  (Here goes nothing, no judgement please.  Well, go ahead and judge.  If I didn't know myself, I would judge the hell out of my parenting skills as well.)

Major Parenting Low: A few weeks after Chase was born, I got the stomach flu.  Having the stomach flu in general is miserable, but having the stomach flu and still having to take care of another human being is awful, especially when that human being has just recently entered the world and relies solely on you to fill his little belly.  With that being said, I sure as heck wasn't going to ask anyone for help because, of course it may take a village to raise other people’s children, but certainly not mine (or so I was, and still kind of am, determined to prove.  But that’s a topic for a therapy session).  So, here I found myself sitting on the toilet, breastfeeding my three week old infant (because, apparently, a three week old doesn't know that mommy is sick and should wait until mommy can properly poop and wipe herself to eat) all while eating a piece of cake (because after all, I was a breastfeeding mom and frequently hungry). So out of this was born our family rule:  You can eat snacks in the bathroom only if you use a fork.  Because using your hands would be inhumane.   The sad part was, at the end of this day I remember thinking, I totally got this. (Where was this chapter in my parenting book.  It must have been chapter, “Too real and disgusting to discuss out loud.”) #don'tpretendlikeyoudon'tmultitaskonthetoilet

On a side note: Cory, Chase and I were driving the other day and Cory was eating some sort of dessert bar he purchased from a gas station.  You know, the kind that are wrapped in saran wrap at the register, glaring at you, making you salivate until you slyly reach out your hand and swipe the bar bringing it to the glass part of the counter, ending up right on top of 20 different lottery tickets (also tempting).  Any who, I had mentioned to Cory that the bar will not taste as delicious as the bars my mom makes.  Then this got me to thinking: Is there any food that Chase will feel that my version of the food is better than anyone else’s?  So Cory asked Chase, “What food do you like that Mommy cooks?”  Chase didn't answer.  There was only silence.  Well silence and the sound of crickets. The silence was unbearable so Cory asked Chase again.  After a few seconds Chase answered, “Flowers and clouds.”  Seriously child?  You couldn't come up with one legitimate type of food that I make well, so you pulled flowers and clouds out of your a**?  Thanks!

Anywho, Happy Tuesday!

Yup. I found Chase sleeping behind his door one night instead of in his bed,  I'm sure he totally thinks he won the bedtime battle.  And yeah, this night he kinda did.

Unspoken Milestones and Sparkle Puppy

There are some unspoken milestones that I can’t wait for my child to accomplish. 

First, I can’t wait until my child learns how to eat French fries two or three at a time like the rest of the population.  Because seriously, trips to fast food restaurants are supposed to be fast. And eating with a three year old is anything but fast.  Look. I’m not proud that I steal my child’s fries when he isn't looking. I’m not doing it because I’m hungry and need more fries, I am doing it so we can continue on with our evening and frankly, I’m ready to leave. 

Secondly, I can’t wait until my child can wipe himself (completely and correctly) after using the bathroom.  Don’t get me wrong, he gives it the old college try, but let’s face it, not everyone is Ivy League.  Recently, after an independent wiping incident that required an entire roll of toilet paper (or so Chase thought), I had to stick my hand into the toilet bowl and grab out three clumps of toilet paper.  It was a split second decision I had to make; either fish out the excess toilet paper (by hand of course) or learn how to plunge a toilet on the fly.  To this day, eight days later, I stand by my decision, despite how disgustingly awful it was. 

Now with all of that said.  There is a milestone I am glad he hasn't reached yet; reading.  I am beyond grateful that Chase has at least a couple years ahead of him before he starts to read.  Do you know how disappointed he is going to be when he realizes that pages of books have more words on them than what he’s used to hearing?  Go ahead, start judging.  Before having a child I would have judged too.  But sometimes I can’t get into the groove of Dr. Seuss and stumble over some of his words.  So I make them up or eliminate them all together.  The tricky part though, is remembering how you edited each book because a three year old will remember how the book was read the previous day.  

This is my child. Petting a pretend dog he made out of an egg carton, paint, google eyes and pipe cleaners this morning.  What a sad, sad life he leads.

Here is a close up of "Sparkle Puppy."  Seriously.  

New Year's Goals and 2014 Highlights

If Chase could write New Year’s goals, I think these would be his:

1.  I will try not to scream when my mom mentions that my Ipad time has expired for the day.  (She always says that if I cry, I will lose my Ipad time for tomorrow.  But, luckily for me, she has a short memory.)

2. I will try not to tell my mom that I don’t like her, every day.  Well, I will cut down from seven times a day to 3.  I mean, hey, a boy has got to set realistic goals, right?

3. I will quit gaging at the sight of my mother’s home cooked meals.  (On a side note: I hope one of her New Year’s goals is to take some cooking lessons. I mean, gaging is a reflex, so I can’t always control it.)

4.  I will stop licking everything in sight.  Well rather, stop licking things when my mom is in sight.  (She can be such a drag sometimes.)

5. I will stop farting when I’m sitting on my Mommy’s lap.  Haha just kidding.  That is like saying the sun is giving up its shine.  No can do.

Highlights from 2014: So, I finally kicked my pink milk addiction.  I secretly despise my Mom for making me kick it.  Given the chance, I would trade my mom for a nice, smooth foamy glass of strawberry flavored heaven. Or even to watch someone else drink it.  Also, my parents finally let me out of my baby jail, aka my crib.  I’ve been rocking my Cars big boy bed for months now.  A whole new world has opened up to me between the hours of 8pm and 8am.  And baby, I’m likin’ what I've seen.

Happy New Year's!