"I Hate That Guy."

Ryder has always been a little much.  His personality is larger than his body- and it always has been that way (and I hope that it always stays that way- except at bedtime).  As it turns out, not all of his peers are as impressed with him as he is with himself.

A couple of years ago I was at a softball game watching Cory play.  For some reason (I can’t really remember the reason why) Ryder was coming up to the ball field a little later than us with my parents.  While sitting on the hot metal bleachers, there were a couple kids playing in the dirt with their little toy trucks right next to me.  Their ages looked to be around 5 and 3 years old. 

From a distance, I caught a glimpse of my little sweet, curly haired Ryder marching his way to the ball field from the parking lot, strutting a dollar for concession stand treats in one hand and his larger-than-life personality in the other.  

This also caught the attention of the children playing in the dirt.  The oldest boy momentarily stopped pushing his toy truck through the dirt and turned to the younger boy and said, “Hey, there’s Ryder.”  The youngest boy looked up in the direction of my little toddling, toddler and announced, “Ryder? I hate that guy.”  He then turned his attention back to pushing rocks with his toy truck, unimpressed. 

The personality is large with this one. 

On This Episode of Raising Ryder... April Fool's Day

  

At dinner, Chase whisper’s rather loudly into Ryder’s ear, “Ryder you are cute.” He pauses and then continues, “April Fool’s.”

Without even taking his eyes off of his plateful of store brand macaroni and cheese, he punches Chase right in the face.

Chase then cried into his macaroni and cheese.  And I just kept eating my grown-up pot-roast from across the table.  Mainly because it seemed like the situation had already worked itself out and there was no need for me to cry into an already perfectly salted pot-roast.

Also,

Ryder learned about April Fool’s Day in school and decided to play a prank on me. 

Ryder yells from on top of his thrown in his bathroom: “Mom, I’m done.  Come wipe me.”

Me: *Walks into the bathroom.*

Ryder: “I’m not done.”

Me: *Walks out of the bathroom.*

Ryder: “I’m done.”

Me: *Walks into the bathroom.*

Ryder: “I’m not done.”

Me: *Walks back out of the bathroom.*

Ryder: “April fool’s. I’m actually done.”

I walk back into the bathroom and bend down next to Ryder with a wad of toilet paper in my hand to help him wipe and he asks me, “Mom, do you have a great life?”

Me: “Well buddy, great isn’t the describing word I would use right now.”

Ryder: “I’m funny.”

Me: *Signs to herself and thinks: I thought parenting would be better than this.*

On This Episode of Raising Ryder.... Preschool Lunch

I often sit back and laugh at the fact that I thought Chase was my most vocally embarrassing child. I was such a fool...

A couple of weeks ago (you know before all of the craziness that is life now), I had the opportunity to go to lunch at Ryder’s Preschool.  It was entertaining to say the least.

During lunch, all of the kids were sitting nicely at the miniature tables in their cute little chairs with their hands folded as they all said a mealtime prayer in unison. At one little table there was a spot saved for me right next to my second born son, the apple of my eye, Ryder Jaymeson. (I’m pretty sure that if I keep referring to Ryder with sweet terms of endearment, it will somehow convince people that he is sweet.  You know, like how if you repeat things 3 times, you are more likely to remember it.)  Ryder was so excited to have me there and kept sharing his hot lunch with me.   

Partway through lunch Ryder started introducing me to the other little tots at the table. (Please note: I have changed the names of the children.) Ryder starts at one end of the table and points to a cute little girl and says, “That’s Emma, the one who cries every day because she (insert Ryder doing air quotes) ‘Misses her Mommy.’” The little girl shrugs her shoulders if as reinforcing Ryder’s description of her.

I brush the comment off because the little girl didn’t seem to mind being described this way; a lover of her mother.   

Ryder then goes onto the next little girl, “And that is Susan.  She is the “budgy one” because she always budges in line.” He then looks this child directly in the eyes and whispers to her, “And it’s rude.”   

At this point there were still 2 more friends for Ryder to introduce me to and I was starting to get nervous as to what new describing words he could come up with for the remainder of his friends (I use the term “friends” loosely as I feel Ryder may not have many friends in the near future.) so I quietly said, “Ryder stop.” To which he replied, “That’s what she said.”

It was then that I knew lunchtime was over.  I grabbed my lunch bag and skedaddled out of there, praising the good Lord that I got to go back to work.  

I wonder how Ryder’s friends would describe him to their parents at mealtime? Maybe something like, “Ryder, the one who steals small toys from school and sneaks them home in his socks.” Or “Ryder, the one no one wants to play with because he verbally assaults those around him." Or "Ryder, the one who spends most of his life in costume and feels he is superior to any other, living, breathing, mammal." 

Who knows. 

Any who, he loves Preschool and anyone who works with children like Ryder have a special spot saved for them in Heaven.     

Ryder, at Preschool, enjoying the day away.  

Ryder is 4, Hello Baby B*tches

I can't believe our Little Ry Ry Pumpkin pie is 4 years old! (I would say already, but some days with him are sooo loooong.)

Ryder, the thing I like best about you is that you don't give a crap and you have enough confidence for everyone in our household. 

You love super hard and you hate super hard. There is no in-between with you and sometimes that is refreshing (I said sometimes.)

For instance, the other week we went to a children’s museum that was littered with babies and small toddlers. You found an exhibit that was set up like a news station, walked over to the microphone and said into it with all of the confidence and conviction in the world, “Hello, baby bitches.”  It wasn't a proud parenting moment but Dude, you are consistent. You have not found a baby you liked, or even tolerated.

Sometimes you are a little strange. 

The other day when you were sick I asked you if I could get you anything. You responded with, “Something to snuggle. Like a weapon.” You are a strange little man, but I like that about you.

What I wish for you: I wish that you stay spunky and challenging and keep your seriously dry, dark, sense of humor.   

Future Profession: Chase thinks you will work at Taco Johns because you say, "I will kill you for a burrito" a lot. 

Current Nicknames: Ry-Ry Pumpkin Pie, Rudy, McRudy, the Rude-ster, Ry-Ry 

Current Favorite Item: A silver dollar that you call a "valuable." You often hide it in hats that you wear and inside your underwear. Also, Netflix. 

Current dislikes: babies, small toddlers and sandwiches 

Ryder and I spent the day together.  We made a birthday cake, we went to Pizza Hut for lunch, went to the candy store, he did shots with his brother and we went sledding. 

At lunch my Mom asked how his special day with his Mom was and he replied, "I wish I was alone."  So yeah, that stung.  

Chase worked really hard and made Ryder a birthday card. Chase had been hiding it in various places around the house the last couple of days to make sure Ryder didn't sneak a peak of it early. Chase excitedly gave the card to Ryder this morning only for Ryder to respond, "Oh, I hate it."  (Like I said, he hates super hard.)

Happy Birthday my sweet boy, my last born, the child who made me decide that we are "two and we're through." 

Keep being you.

No Picture Necessary, Buck the ....

I failed.  Again.  It is the second year in a row that I didn’t take pictures of my children on Halloween in their costumes.  And I have realized why I have neglected to snap pictures of them in their Halloween costumes.

Simply because it is not out of the ordinary for my children to dress up as something outlandish and leave the house.  It is just part of their personalities and it has always been accepted.  Chase has been known to wear a construction vest to school and strut blue hair.  (For real, I woke up from a nap one weekend to find Chase with blue hair- and this was a few days before school pictures this year).    

And let’s be honest.  Ryder lives his everyday life as a ninja turtle- I don’t need to capture the moment on one specific evening.

I don’t think Chase will ever ask why I don’t have a picture of him as an 8 year old on Halloween, but I do think he will remember the Halloween themed dinner we had.  He will remember the Jack-O-Lantern pizza, the paw shaped cheese puffs and the orange pop he got to feast on that night. I think he will remember how he went to grandma and grandpa’s after trick-or-treating for hot chocolate and to pass candy out to other kids.  And if he doesn’t remember those specific things, I think he will remember the feeling of togetherness because, even though we don’t have a picture to prove it, we spent Halloween with people we love.

And for right now, that’s enough.   No picture necessary.

On a side note:  As we were at a trunk or treating event, the kids hopped in line with other kids to ask for tricks and treats and the adults stood to the side chatting. After awhile I noticed that the line was being held up by Ryder so I went to investigate.  Apparently, Ryder hid his fart gun in the bottom of his candy bucket and was showing a group of elderly gentlemen how to make farting noises.  That kid sure knows how to keep it classy… or gassy.   (Sorry, I couldn’t resist the rhyme.  Speaking of rhymes.  Ryder has discovered a rhyming word for the dog.  Can anyone guess what rhymes with Buck?  Can anyone else guess which Mom isn’t proud when she has to tell her 3 year old to stop yelling for “Buck the F*ck” when we go for walks?)    

Magical Dog, Drunk Jayme

As many of you know, we welcomed a sweet little 4 pound dog into our family.  The boys named him Buckwheat, or Buck for short. Buck has added a lot of joy to our family.  (I feel like if I say it enough, Cory will start to believe it.)  Well, Joy, and poop, and pee, and chewed up shoes.  But despite potty training, he has been a great addition to our family. 

Here are the boys with Buck.

And for the most part, the boys have been wonderful with him.  Except for a few occasions when Ryder has sneakily shown Buck who is boss. Anyone who knows Ryder, knows that he doesn’t like anything that takes away from him being the star of the show. For real, he hates babies with a passion because they tend to get more attention than him (and this is verbatim out of Ryder’s mouth, “I hate stupid babies; they are useless.”  I mean, he is not necessarily wrong.). 

My parents, the boys and I were at the park the first week we got Buck. I was chatting with my parents and said, “I’m proud of Ryder.  He is really being nice to Buck.”  And before I could say anything else, we see Buck flying down the slide.  Ryder was sure that Buck needed some assistance going down the slide.

The boys and I rode our bikes to school one day.  I had Ryder in a bike cart attached to the back of my bike.  He gets to be zipped inside a nice bug repellent screen while I peddle my heart out trying to keep up with Chase.  For our ride, I placed Buck in the back with Ryder.  I gave Buck a bone to keep him busy, buckled in Ryder and zipped the screen shut.  About halfway to Chase’s school I hear Ryder’s scowling voice say, “Buck you are disgusting, you got your bone all over my coat.”  A minute later I see Buck trotting alongside my bike.  I stopped quickly, picked up the dog and asked Ryder if he unzipped the screen and pushed Buck out of the cart.  Ryder just looked at me with a smile on his face and stated, “It was magic,” while shrugging his pointy little shoulders.  

In Ryder’s defense, I would be a tad bit annoyed of the dog too if the dog kept biting onto the butt of my pants and pulling my pants down to my ankles, causing me to trip at least twice a day.  (But since I’m not Ryder, it is HILARIOUS and I do absolutely nothing to correct the situation).

On a completely unrelated note, our family attended my cousin’s very beautiful wedding this past weekend.  When my sister and I get around our cousins we all tend to go, for a lack of better words, “Balls to the walls” with shots. You know, for one evening pretend to be a 21 year old college student without children and a mountain of debt and responsibilities. And plus, I mean, who can turn down top shelf tequila at an open bar? (For the record- not me.) Usually, my cousins and I greet each other by saying things similar to, “Are you ready for a shot?” or “I brought the good tequila.” 

My handsome boys at the wedding.

So there we were, standing in a circle in front of the open bar doing shots, when Chase walks by and casually says to me, “Hey Drunk Jayme,” while he’s sucking on a stick of rock candy from the candy bar.  All I could think to respond was, “First of all- you can call me Mom, not Jayme.  And second of all, I am not that drunk yet.”  Then afterwards I realized I could have gone another way with the situation and not done a butt-load of shots, but that isn’t really my style.

(Oh calm down- don’t call Child Protective Services- my kids were safe and had a Dad there who is completely capable to caring for them. Well, not their Dad (because he also likes to go "balls to the walls" but my Dad was there.)

Relationship Growth

Cory- we have been married for 10 years.  Can you believe it?  We have been married as long as Grindr has been around.  Do you think things would have gone differently in our relationship if Grindr was created before we started dating? Any who…

We have both changed a lot since the start of our relationship and I like to think that our relationship has experienced some growth over the years.  Here is how I can tell:

-I no longer feel the need to sucker punch you in the face when you fall asleep first and you snore like a sumo wrestler. #smotherhimwithapillow

-Our relationship has evolved so much that we no longer play the endless game of, “Oh, are you going to make supper? Oh, I thought you were going to make supper.” You know, because we always know it’s me.  

-We know how to console each other when our children unknowingly rip us apart.  You know, like how you reassure me that I’m not actually a bad person when our 3 year old tells me that I’m “terrible and rude” over and over and over again, every day.   And how you tell me that I do look nice when our 8 year old asks me under his breath, “Oh, is that what you are wearing today?” #unitedwestand

-And, lastly, I no longer want to rip out your eyeballs when you drink all night after your old man softball league and accidentally forget to call to kindly let me know that you won’t be available to help at bedtime. (Just kidding on this one.  There definitely has been zero growth for either of us on this topic. You never call and I never refrain from getting annoyed.)

If this isn’t a thriving relationship, I don’t know what is.

Happy Anniversary!