The Revermanns: Grocery Store Debacle

So usually, being a parent of two is pretty awesome. You know, unless you venture out with a five year old (who believes he is an emerging track star) and a teething four month old, to the grocery store. Then you pretty much just want to gouge out your eyes with the metal skewers that are in the grilling department. Not the wimpy wooden ones. Maybe if I were gushing blood, someone else would jump in and push my cart full of crackers and kids which weighs twice as much as I do.

Any who, I spent over an hour at Coborns when I was just planning on “picking up a few things.” I spent a large majority of the time chasing my Chase (how appropriate, right?) through the aisles. Up and down, up and down until my legs started to feel like Jello. Then, finally, I get to the check out, just in time because I was almost ready to rip my white T-shirt off and make it into a flag to wave at the check-out lady, half distracted by the random grapefruit that was in Ryder’s car seat and started searching for my coupons. I mean, for real, I took time to cut out coupons, I sure as hell am going to find them.

So here I am searching, searching, searching. I look in all of my 900 pockets (I swear to God my pants grew more pockets as I’m searching frantically), in the diaper bag, in Chase’s pockets (because who knows what he keeps in there and where the hell he found that grapefruit), under the bread at the bottom of the cart (damn, how do my buns and chips always end up under a case of pop and canned corn?) and just when I was on the verge of saying, “F*ck it” just like my own personal hygiene these days, I looked right in front of me at my smiley, babbling, little baby and there they were, in his mouth. That’s right. My baby ate my coupons. Oops! I forgot he knew how to work his hands.

So I did what every other mother of a coupon-eating baby would do. I grabbed what was left of the soggy coupons, did a one pointer-finger sweep of Ryder’s mouth, and handed what was left of them to the checkout boy (luckily, I was about 15 years his senior so I was banking on either the fact that he wouldn’t question his elder or praying he thought I was a MILF so he wouldn’t make this an issue. Who am I kidding? A MILF? More like 'Mother I Would Like To Forget' (ya know, due to my obnoxiously, greasy sweat pants and aroma of two day old breast-milk. Cute picture, huh?). Any who, I handed him the coupons fully expecting to have to argue my case that Coborn’s competitors would price-match half eaten coupons. Luckily, I think the cashier just wanted to be done with my crew and quickly scooted us along our way.

By the time I got home. I wanted to curl up in the fetal position and not reemerge as an adult until the next morning, but then I remembered I had to put away the groceries, while nursing a 4 month old and simultaneously finding the newly purchased box of fruit snacks at the bottom on the 700^th grocery bag for my eldest nugget before he told me, again, that (and I quote) “I’m ruining his childhood.” #justanormaltuesday

On a side note here was my conversation with Chase the other day:

Que in the sound (and smell) of Chase farting.

Me: “What do you say?” (You know, expecting him to be a gentleman and excuse himself.)

Chase: “Wow, I’m gassy.”

(He may be the death of me.)