One Week,Two Embarrassed Parents,Three Penis Stories

You may wonder why a parent would have so many penis stores from just one week.  Well, that is because I am the parent to Ryder.  I’m pretty sure the definition of Ryder is: A child who is pleased with his body.

1.      So the other evening Ryder took a bath.  When he takes a bath, I put a little standing mirror next to the bathtub (Yes, I understand how creepy it sounds when you say it out loud.) because he likes to paint himself with kid’s soapy bathtub paint and likes to look at himself as he puts soap in his hair and lathers up.  So here we are, midway through his bath.  I was in the closet that is attached to our bathroom as Ryder is playing in the bathtub.  And out of the silence I hear (in a full on- Homer Simpson voice), “Oh man, that’s a big penis,” as he is looking at his man jewels from all different angles in the bathtub.  If nothing else, I am raising a child who is very body positive. 

2.   Last weekend we were getting our taxes done.  There was a waiting room full of adults.  Ryder asked me to accompany him to the bathroom, in which I agreed.  He did his business, we washed our hands and headed down the long hallway back to the waiting room.  As we entered the crowded room, Ryder yells, “Stop! We have to see if my penis fell out.”  And we walked directly out to our car bypassing the room full of laughter.

3.      Today, Ryder and I were hanging out in my room. He was watching a cartoon and I was reading.  All of a sudden Ryder stands up, naked with three candy smarties stuck to his man jewels.  And he asks, “want a snack?” as he shook the smarties off.

Of course, I want a snack, but not one that was fastened to your penis with sweat. (Also, I don’t know why he was naked or where he got smarties.)

Ryder, being Ryder.