Teardrop Tattoos, Toilet Paper, Free-Balling

Today on our way to school we noticed that one of our neighbors got toilet papered. 

Chase asked, already knowing damn well what the answer will be but wanting to shame me just a tad: “Mom, didn’t you get arrested toilet papering when you were in high school?”

Me, with a joking tone in my voice so Chase can see that he can’t shame his Mother: “Yes I did.  I did cold, hard, time and I’m not proud of it.  I lived an entire lifetime in the 30 minutes it took Grandma to pick me up from the clink.”

Ryder, horrified: “But I haven’t even seen your teardrop tattoo.”

Chase, rolling his eyes: “Ryder, you don’t automatically get a teardrop tattoo by your eye just for going to jail. You have to earn it.”

Ryder: “I will get a teardrop tattoo every time I go to jail. I’ll have so many my eyes will look like sprinklers.”

Chase looks at me: "Tell me again who your favorite child is?"

Me: "Ryder, how was school today?"
Ryder: "Great! I free-balled it all day."
And yes, he did.  And I know this because he showed me.
Had I known that seeing little boy balls multiple times everyday was part of parenting, I may have rethought a few life decision.

Mother’s Day, Candy Shop, D*ck

For Mother’s Day Ryder gifted me a ticket for a tour of his candy shop. You know, the candy shop that every over-privileged kindergartener sets up in the commercial corner of their bedroom.  Whenever Ryder gets candy from holidays or gas stations he hoards it and then sells it back to us. So essentially we are paying for the same candy twice. 

In addition to the very generous tour, Ryder also gifted me a dollar off coupon for his candy shop. After the tour, I happily pick out a piece of chocolate and handed him my ticket. He looks at me with his head slightly tilted towards the ground and sadly says, “Shoot. Just this morning I had to raise all of my prices to $3 for each piece of candy and your coupon is for $1. So your total is $2.” 

Thanks a lot inflation. I ended up paying $2 for my own Mother’s Day gift. Which seems pretty on brand with my life. 

But just so Ryder could ensure he wasn’t getting scammed, he used a hole punch to deface my coupon so I wouldn’t be able to use it twice. 

Ryder really does make every small interaction interesting...

 

Here was my morning yesterday...the boys and I ran some errands before school and got to school a few minutes early so Chase suggested we play Google Family Feud while we waited in the school parking lot.  

I hadn't played this game before but Google asks you partial questions and you fill in the blank part of the question based on what you think people Google the most.  

My boys are very competitive with each other and they were really getting into the game.  It sounded like answers were being yelled from every angle of the Jeep. Our final question before the boys needed to go into the school was, "What is the best kind of...." and we had to guess what the ending to that question was.  Chase yells, "Dog, candy, cake."  

Chase is firing answers so quickly that it got Ryder all wound up and he was struggling to come up with a word.  Then suddenly, Ryder, in fear of loosing the game panic yells, "dick" from the back seat. 

Yes, my kindergartener thought that most people Google, "What is the best kind of... dick." 

And I guess I'm not really sure if people Google that because I ended the game there because it was 7:45am and my child had already screamed the word "dick" at me. As I was scooting my children out the door of my Jeep and telling them to have a good day at school, I reminded Ryder to say an extra prayer for himself at church.    

I question a lot if Ryder's personality is a direct reflection of my parenting or just an anomaly. 

Ryder's Candy Shop
(In true Ryder fashion, his sign actually says "Pablo's Candy Shop")