Candy Canes, Snowballs and Blow Me

Ryder has really been a 2 year old lately and frankly I am exhausted. 

Me to my 10 year old nephew, Holden: “We put 12 candy canes on our Christmas tree and Ryder ate them all in one day.”

Holden: “Weren't you watching him?”

Ryder walks out of preschool as it is snowing one afternoon and yells, “Ahh! The sky is throwing snowballs at my face. I must kick them!”

(And there I stood, in the parking lot of Ryder’s preschool, watching my little ninja even out the score between him and nature. Kicking and kicking the sky ….until I realized that I was the adult and could leave.)

And my personal favorite:

Ryder walks up to me as I’m reading a book on the couch and says: “Blow me.”

Me (startled): “What?”

Ryder (starting to get annoyed): “Blow me."

Me: *Crickets.

(As it turns out, Ryder realized that his breath is warm and wanted me to feel his warm breath and then he wanted to feel mine. Apparently he wanted to "blow on me" but I'm still cringing at the fact that my 2 year old asked me to blow him, no matter the context.)   

Dog-Pile, Boobs, and Ponchos

Lately, my kids have been very hard on me. And mostly because of what I wear.  And it's not like I'm wearing anything outlandish.  I'm not wear prom dresses and clown wigs around town.  I am wearing normal, weather appropriate clothing.  This fall I could not live down my favorite black jumpsuit.  Chase would honestly pray during his bedtime prayers that I wouldn't wear a jumpsuit the next day.

Now that it's chilly out, my spawns are not loving my ponchos.  I mean, what is there not to love? They are warm and fuzzy and made of all things lovely (pretty much the exact opposite of my children).

One morning Ryder woke up, took one look at me wearing a poncho and said, "Oh, yous are wearing that today?" and pulled his blanket back up over his eyes. (It seems like a lot of criticism coming from someone who wears a pull-up at night.)

Oh man, and don't get me started on my lipstick.  As soon as Chase sees me putting on lipstick he rolls his eyes and tells me how "sticky and old lady" my lips look.  (This coming from the kid who has a collection of ponytails on his wrist that he has found on the ground throughout the school year and wears as bracelets. I'm pretty sure if our family gets lice, it is going to be from one of his "lost and found ponytails.")   
 
Both of my kids are terrible, but Ryder is always a little bit more of an a**hole each and every day.... 
So, I am going to the bathroom one morning when the door opens and Ryder strolls in.  He makes eye contact with me sitting on the toilet.  He stops, starts walking backwards out of the room and whispers, while still holding eye contact, "You disgust me."

I'm not saying that having children ruined my life... but I'm not saying that it didn't.

On an unrelated note: Last night, Cory was laying on his stomach on the living room floor and the boys were having fun dog-piling on him.  Ryder gets up, looks at me and says, "You can lay on daddy, just lay your boobs on his back." :)